Trusting

And like that the world flips on it's head. Just one simple sentence, "I don't love you anymore." Indescribable. As you can see, I had just given in, decided that she knew exactly what she was doing. The cruel part is I still ask myself if she was right. Is this a choice that will ultimately make life better?
Right now I feel like I have a hole in my chest reaching all the way to my stomach. I am not hungry, thirsty, I don't want anything but this pain to go away but it just lingers. Going away one minute but returning in full force another. Lost and listless.

Trust

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

It has finally come to the point where my beliefs are put into question. Can equanimity actually exist? Can one be truly Buddha while one is attached to a relationship?

The girlfriend of 5 years said yesterday that she was "unsure". And the questions asked, only helped open the can of worms. Unsure about our complete relationship was the final conclusion. Having never cried so hard in my life, the skepticism rolls in like a dark cloud, covering anything that was once found enjoyable or pleasant. The usual excuse of "needing time" only helps to prolong the excruciating. The only way to cope was to write this, along with some of my book and use the emotion creatively because any other way would certainly cause utter destruction.

After hours packed of worry, fell into an uneasy sleep. The dreams, so vivid, so cerebral. In one, a chase. A hand extended outwards trying to grab a running her. Every time, closer and closer, and then she is gone. Lost in a sea of bodies. Another, a vision. She, just across a bottomless crevice, beckons to me "Come on! Let's go!" Looking down into the deepness, nothing. "How? How do I get across?" The last words filling my ears as the tears do my eyes. "You have to trust me."

So that is the conclusion, trust. If it is over, it is over, though it may cause the pain of one thousand lifetimes. For everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn.

Cold Coffee

“Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.” ― Alan Wilson Watts

Coffee today was cold, the machine left off. First there was anger, blaming others gives too much power. While driving, every light was red and it forced patience. With this patience came calm reflection and a moment, a here and now that cracks reality. With morning meditation, the coffee, the lights, all what a self would call "bad" gave me the truth.

Life is about cold coffee and red lights.

Floating

"Success and failure are your journey."
~ Chogyam Trungpa

The days flow, varying, from rapids to a spring, and back. Looking endlessly at the bank, the stream of thoughts cease. Just a moment, here. A moment, needed to right ones mind in the torrent of sensations and reflections, ideas and impressions. In flowing water keeping one's feet becomes difficult. Every wave and swell is death incarnate, or is it the ego? Trek ever forward, with refuge everywhere, once found within.

Green branch, summer born,

Ride water, ever changing,

Beyond, it's just this.

Transience

Why so serious? - The Joker

It seems like it has been too long, why allow the open, empty room to feel stuffy. They say that the warriors path is lonely (Shambala - Trungpa) and the bud of this realization has started to blossom. The meditation schedule is becoming more regular and every passing day the wind, gusting, pushes less. The ever flowing water parts at my seated feet. "Stay, sit and stay." It says. As long as I can.

Then Carry It with You

Zhaozhou's "Carry It with you"

Yanyang asked Zhaozhou, "How is it when nothing comes up?"
Zhaozhou said, "Cast it off."
Yanyang said, "When nothing comes up, how can you cast it off?"
Zhaozhou said, "Then carry it with you."

It has been too long since a post and it is about time. Work has been found, substitute teacher in the local high school. The work is work. It comes with fun and less, stress and more. Money is a useful item to possess in this time period, if possession even exists. The time I spend at home has grown short for a small time and the hours that are spent with Lera are enjoyed. My practice has waned but the lessons stay. Mindfulness stays when ordered.

Movement

The thorn-like, spike-branched Old Plum Tree
Suddenly bursts forth, first with one or two blossoms,
Then with three, four, five, and finally blossoms beyond count.

It is a very small chance that people actually read this but nevertheless clean the mirror, clean the mirror. Movement has taken hold and this one finds a home in Phoenix. Quite a move from Carol Stream, and one desperately needed. Friends and family, you are missed but this movement is just part of life and imbues the ability to shake off the moss of a sedentary lifestyle. Continuing to sit has been the greatest task, and becomes easier with every passing day. A new Sangha was joined: Treeleaf. Priest Jundo is very bright and assists in connections that would not be otherwise made. So thank you +Treeleaf Sangha. In reality, if that can even be said, the search for work seems to be good, a substitute position at +Samantha Rhoney's school is open and hopefully soon to be filled. Just this second the IVP (fingerprint card) was received, something that had been creating stress. Samantha returns and my loneliness is broken with my concentration. Valar Morghulis