Trusting

And like that the world flips on it's head. Just one simple sentence, "I don't love you anymore." Indescribable. As you can see, I had just given in, decided that she knew exactly what she was doing. The cruel part is I still ask myself if she was right. Is this a choice that will ultimately make life better?
Right now I feel like I have a hole in my chest reaching all the way to my stomach. I am not hungry, thirsty, I don't want anything but this pain to go away but it just lingers. Going away one minute but returning in full force another. Lost and listless.

Trust

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

It has finally come to the point where my beliefs are put into question. Can equanimity actually exist? Can one be truly Buddha while one is attached to a relationship?

The girlfriend of 5 years said yesterday that she was "unsure". And the questions asked, only helped open the can of worms. Unsure about our complete relationship was the final conclusion. Having never cried so hard in my life, the skepticism rolls in like a dark cloud, covering anything that was once found enjoyable or pleasant. The usual excuse of "needing time" only helps to prolong the excruciating. The only way to cope was to write this, along with some of my book and use the emotion creatively because any other way would certainly cause utter destruction.

After hours packed of worry, fell into an uneasy sleep. The dreams, so vivid, so cerebral. In one, a chase. A hand extended outwards trying to grab a running her. Every time, closer and closer, and then she is gone. Lost in a sea of bodies. Another, a vision. She, just across a bottomless crevice, beckons to me "Come on! Let's go!" Looking down into the deepness, nothing. "How? How do I get across?" The last words filling my ears as the tears do my eyes. "You have to trust me."

So that is the conclusion, trust. If it is over, it is over, though it may cause the pain of one thousand lifetimes. For everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn.