Turning the Wheel

1/4/16

Another day of work, no S again. But the two bosses decided to show up together today, which means enough work to keep busy, which is good. Most of the day was spent thinking about rent and my check bouncing. The bank had double charged some visa transactions over the weekend (which of course was the most expensive item I had bought all week), had overdrawn before my paycheck went in (today) and therefore charged me an overdraft on top of double charging me. So I called the bank, and they assured (after pre-recorded message stating this happened to many customers) that it would be taken care of in the bank where the check was being cashed. 

I took the 15 bus home, which was both late (20 minutes) and the stop had moved a block up since the new year. 

I got home about 20:20 from cashing my check and getting picked up by E (a treat). We went to my house to watch Rick and Morty with T (my roommate), take a shower, and head off to sleep-land.

1/5/16

Woke up today very unmotivated and tired. It was a struggle to get out of my warm blanket cocoon, and into the frigid morning. I got to the shop only to find one other person, my boss. My other coworker had called off on account of something I found a bit, unconvincing. Like that, once more, I am doing the work of 2 people again until I am relieved by my later shift co-workers. 

It was such a strange morning. So much so, that my boss asked me, 

"You are a person who thinks, what is the meaning of life?" 

Hilarious. [Kev recommendation: Ease someone into elaborate metaphysical questions, or you may pull a muscle.] I responded with as accurate an answer as could be finagled in such a sort span of time. 

"Life is a meaningless search for meaning."

Needless to say, the conversation pretty much ended there and this one must 'right straight on'.

The Calm

Inara: [to Simon] You're lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is he likes it that way.

Mal: [walks in] No, the only difference is the woods are the only place I can see a clear path.

1/2/16

The day came and went, got some wonderful time with E. I am so deeply in love with her and it continues to amaze me every day. We made breakfast, at 14:00. I still believe that it should just be called 'food' especially noting how many pancakes I eat after noon. We missed C&J again. We tried hard to get together with them, but alas, best laid plans. 

E and I stayed together for most of the day and after food we walked to A's from some good conversation and company. A, B, and D were also there. I am happy to see D realizing more of her self as the days go. It is the true natural goodness I see building in her. 

We returned to E's for some more time together. I shall miss her tomorrow during my full day of budtending, afterward having some time to hang out with the roomate.

I also decided to treat myself to an early birthday present named 'Battlefront', a fun game, if a bit sparse on single player activities. 

1/3/16

I went through a normal Sunday of work with a slight boost from the weekend with Love. This boost was quickly diminished when my [once] coworker S decided to not show up for her shift. The New Years party must have been too much for her, but she has yet to tell anyone. 

Tonight is the holiday party, yet we have yet to know both where or what it will entail. We spoke of some house event that fell quickly by the wayside, slowly weaving it's annoying pattern into my employment. But, as always, working with B and O helps to make it much more manageable. 

We blazed a huge blunt of Girl Scout and Sueno [after our 12's] that really did it's job, which was getting us to the buffet at Mr. India's BBQ. A very unremarkable name for a restaurant of the same feeling, and food. It is funny how quickly a food becomes commercialized in America. Not too many years ago it would be very strange to see an Indian restaurant, but now, they have risen all the way to mediocrity.

But, yet, it was free with drinks included. This meant a Miller light and a plate of lamb, Saag, and a healthy amount of Naan. The food was quickly overshadowed by the enjoyment of engaging colleagues outside of TGT and it's cave-like backroom. We goofed around [after bro-ing all day at work] and laughed at the two (maybe three) times that B missed his bus. I took a ride home with J, after receiving a pretty sweet gift bag from the establishment.

This one went to E's, and realized that he actually [despite himself] loves to share a bed with another human, especially one as amazing as E. Being near another form allows more smoothness of sleep, and awakening. 

MMXVI

I will attempt to continue this blog more often in this MMXVI: Thanks to anyone who reads this!

Entry from the new journal, a gift from E.

 

7/26/15

My dearest Kevin Scott,

I love you more than I can say. I hope you are able to fill this journal with magical adventures of the arbor, together and apart. Your words are always comforting and exciting. To our journal - I love you always.

-ER

12/31/15

The String Cheese Incident New Years show:

The show was amazing. After attempting to bring a full group with us (for free) E and I went by our lonesome, and it was the choice to make. We roll up about 21:30 and get our VIP badges. We use them and a good bluff and we're all the way into the VIP lot (still not sure we were supposed to be there). When you act like you belong, you belong and no one questions it.

We enter the FirstBank Center and immediately it is smokey and full of wookiees. I feel almost like I am back in the Forest, but only in small ways. We enter and down a couple drinks and edibles before getting on the floor and starting our groove. We stay for a while and dance together, well dance near each other. One thing that I have definitely noticed is that E and I dance in very different styles and it is so beautiful that I wish to participate, but it mucks with the flow and leads to something less groovy. But that is good, I love her independence more than anything.

After wandering around and finding my (momentary) co-worker S, we get back to the floor for the countdown. We put on our 3D glasses and watch a mermaid and some super trippy visuals, and some inspirational words from the band. Jellyfish emerge from the stage and we just let loose. A promise to the new year; don’t force the flow.

1/1/16

This first of the year comes quickly and I am happy to be starting a new journal, like a new chapter in the store of an American Man (though some would still say ‘boy’). The coming year will be unlike any other. The changes that are coming are almost palatable, and the events passed, point only towards a prosperous future. So many thoughts, so much love.

23:00

The most wonderful human/lover/friend came over today. ERL, my lady love, and the barer of my heart. We have learned so much in the recent past, about ourselves and each other. And what I know, is that she is a force for magnanimous good in myself and in our world, and for that I will love her until we return to the cosmos, or get to the end of the turtles. 


A prosperous year to all. -K

A Little Sartre

'But each type of human conduct, being the conduct of man in the world, can release for us simultaneously man, the world, and the relation which unites them, only on condition that we envisage these forms of contact as realities objectively apprehensible and not as subjective affects which disclose themselves only in the face of reflection.'

Chapter One: The Origin of Negation
Being and Nothingness
Jean-Paul Sartre

So philosophy, it only took you thousands of years to get to a place tread by, supposedly, Siddhartha Gautama, Wittgenstein, and any bloke that says 'It is as it is'. But in this is further truth: You only find difference between yourself and the world around when you expend the energy to look for them. This is what, I think, makes the world so frightening and foreign to many  in the current state.

What's more frightening and foreign is, finding your way back is as simple as allowing the world and your 'self' (Sartre would say 'consciousness') to rediscover each other. That place being always as near as the ground underfoot.

So take today (if you even got this far) and look at all the ways the world let's you in, continues your existence, and gives a place to lay one's head.

'If you like me, a-thank you...'

Year of the Horse

“Those who are able to enter the truth through intuitional grasp of the state of just acting are like good horses.” ~Dogen

The world begins to look brighter these days. Mostly thanks to the Denver sun and hospitality, gratitute for both. As the Horse, this year will take effort, as living always does. It is good though, work can be fun with right thought. Seeing the world through different eyes in a different town can be slightly alienating, but the seasons allow for a connection to naturally grow. Forgive the pun.

But if Dogen is right then everyone is a good horse. The 'intuitional grasp' is always at hand for those who look. Humans came about to explore, see new things, react to them unflinchingly, and ride on. So ride on. The world is exciting and beautiful with tons of new things to learn, places to be, people to entertain. 
"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends. And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream." 

Martin Luther King, jr.
Today we hark'n,
Remember that oldest dream,
For all, Freedom rings.

Trusting

And like that the world flips on it's head. Just one simple sentence, "I don't love you anymore." Indescribable. As you can see, I had just given in, decided that she knew exactly what she was doing. The cruel part is I still ask myself if she was right. Is this a choice that will ultimately make life better?
Right now I feel like I have a hole in my chest reaching all the way to my stomach. I am not hungry, thirsty, I don't want anything but this pain to go away but it just lingers. Going away one minute but returning in full force another. Lost and listless.

Trust

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

It has finally come to the point where my beliefs are put into question. Can equanimity actually exist? Can one be truly Buddha while one is attached to a relationship?

The girlfriend of 5 years said yesterday that she was "unsure". And the questions asked, only helped open the can of worms. Unsure about our complete relationship was the final conclusion. Having never cried so hard in my life, the skepticism rolls in like a dark cloud, covering anything that was once found enjoyable or pleasant. The usual excuse of "needing time" only helps to prolong the excruciating. The only way to cope was to write this, along with some of my book and use the emotion creatively because any other way would certainly cause utter destruction.

After hours packed of worry, fell into an uneasy sleep. The dreams, so vivid, so cerebral. In one, a chase. A hand extended outwards trying to grab a running her. Every time, closer and closer, and then she is gone. Lost in a sea of bodies. Another, a vision. She, just across a bottomless crevice, beckons to me "Come on! Let's go!" Looking down into the deepness, nothing. "How? How do I get across?" The last words filling my ears as the tears do my eyes. "You have to trust me."

So that is the conclusion, trust. If it is over, it is over, though it may cause the pain of one thousand lifetimes. For everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn.